you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
