Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
