If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Dignity is for republicans.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
