he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
