Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
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There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
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Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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