Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
