I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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