we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
