Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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