I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
