My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say