Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
