i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday