a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
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How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
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We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.