I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
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Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
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It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.