rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
