I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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