I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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