I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
