Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
