just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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