but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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