Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
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Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
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Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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