I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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