tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
