my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Your cock deserves a montage
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
