Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
