So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
