mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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