your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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