her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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