I'm passing your future prison.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
