I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
