But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
