my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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