So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Randomize
