i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
