Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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