its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
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It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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