I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
