I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
