I think i peed on brittanys purse
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
