Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
