the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
