So drunk its hurt
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
