we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
