i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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