cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm getting married
To pizza
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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