a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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