bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
