I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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