we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
