If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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