Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
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The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
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There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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