My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
