i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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