I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
