It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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