On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
