Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
